Heylookitseric

Whenever you tell someone that there’s someone you like, everyone always encourages you. Everyone likes to tell you, do what it takes to get the girl you like. Don’t be afraid of rejection, go for it. No one really considers what happens afterwards.

When you go for it, you put yourself out there. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you like someone, you give a piece of yourself to that person. A piece of yourself that you never really get back. You don’t stop liking someone because they don’t like you back. What do you do then? How do you stop yourself? What are you supposed to do with all that feeling? Just suck it up and move on?

You don’t stop liking someone because they don’t like you back. You don’t stop feeling jealous because they don’t like you back. You don’t stop feeling like shit. You try to numb yourself by watching tv, you try to pick up old hobbies, you try to occupy your time.

Then one day you see your crush. You see that they’re doing just fine without you. You want to be happy for them. You tell yourself that there’s no reason for you to feel like shit. You don’t wan to feel like a freak for feeling jealous. But you still feel jealous, and you still feel like shit.

The button comes to life as I press down, shining in a dim ugly yellow. I stare up at the digital display above the door as the number decreases. I wait for the number to match the number posted on the wall. My waiting mind fill with anticipation and hopes for an empty space to open in front of me. For a chance to enjoy a moment of peace and quiet on a hectic day like today.

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“So do you really have something to do?” I asked her as we walked in front of the group. There is something thrilling about having a private conversation in a group setting, mysterious and kind of exciting, like an open secret.
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I’ve always described myself as a rational human being. I enjoy knowing that my decisions are based in facts and figures. I weigh the rewards and consequences, before I make a decision. I try to see the whole picture before diving into any situation. Even when it comes to emotional issues. I’ve always felt that as long as I stick with rational principles, the emotional will sort itself out. Despite its connotation, rationality is actually a very spiritual ideal. Karma, for example, is a very rational idea. I believe that as long as you are spreading good, good will come to you. And that’s how I try to treat life in general.

One area of life this has never worked for me is in relationship. I always plant seeds of goodness, but the plant never seem to last. Even when I try to plant flowers, I get trees instead. I’ve never been able to reconcile this disconnect between rationality and emotional side of relationship. I’ve had feelings for others that are never reciprocated and this is not really rational. I understand that as a fact of life, there is no reason that anyone SHOULD reciprocate my feelings. And that’s one side of rationality that I cannot reconcile with my emotional side of feeling.

Emotions is uncontrollable. It’s infectious and contagious. I’ve never liked the feeling of when I have a crush. I don’t like the heart-beating faster (feels like a heart attack), I don’t like the guessing and the games, I don’t like feeling like I’m losing control. Rationality becomes that friend that gives too much advice, the friend that you know cares the most about you but you don’t ever listen to.

I’ve always felt that rationality is my childhood blanket, a place of comfort for me to retreat to when the world around me is crazy. A place where I feel superior because it’s my ultimate guiding principle, especially in a world where there is little guiding principle in people’s life. It’s predictable, because there is always one better choice and one worse choice.

But I’ve been brought up to recognize comfort as the enemy of progress. No pain, no gain. No risk, no reward. I can sleep when I die. The feeling of restlessness is a constant in my life. I am constantly reevaluating the current status of my life and think of ways to improve it. And this is the same when it comes to relationship. I am constantly feeling like I don’t put myself out there enough. I’ve always felt compelled to shed my security blanket and dive head in.

So far, I’ve been hitting the bottom of the pool, and every time I come back to rationality harder than ever. Maybe this is one of those posts where I come back to rationality. Maybe I’m just tired of games.

So recently, I went from an unemployed freelancer to a guy with three jobs. Two of them in retail, at two wildly popular retailers that will surely get hit with tons of shoppers looking for last minute gifts. All of this happening within the span of two weeks.
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So last night, I was eating this… and you weren’t.

(Unless your name happens to be Peter or Lindsey, then you were.)