I’ve always described myself as a rational human being. I enjoy knowing that my decisions are based in facts and figures. I weigh the rewards and consequences, before I make a decision. I try to see the whole picture before diving into any situation. Even when it comes to emotional issues. I’ve always felt that as long as I stick with rational principles, the emotional will sort itself out. Despite its connotation, rationality is actually a very spiritual ideal. Karma, for example, is a very rational idea. I believe that as long as you are spreading good, good will come to you. And that’s how I try to treat life in general.
One area of life this has never worked for me is in relationship. I always plant seeds of goodness, but the plant never seem to last. Even when I try to plant flowers, I get trees instead. I’ve never been able to reconcile this disconnect between rationality and emotional side of relationship. I’ve had feelings for others that are never reciprocated and this is not really rational. I understand that as a fact of life, there is no reason that anyone SHOULD reciprocate my feelings. And that’s one side of rationality that I cannot reconcile with my emotional side of feeling.
Emotions is uncontrollable. It’s infectious and contagious. I’ve never liked the feeling of when I have a crush. I don’t like the heart-beating faster (feels like a heart attack), I don’t like the guessing and the games, I don’t like feeling like I’m losing control. Rationality becomes that friend that gives too much advice, the friend that you know cares the most about you but you don’t ever listen to.
I’ve always felt that rationality is my childhood blanket, a place of comfort for me to retreat to when the world around me is crazy. A place where I feel superior because it’s my ultimate guiding principle, especially in a world where there is little guiding principle in people’s life. It’s predictable, because there is always one better choice and one worse choice.
But I’ve been brought up to recognize comfort as the enemy of progress. No pain, no gain. No risk, no reward. I can sleep when I die. The feeling of restlessness is a constant in my life. I am constantly reevaluating the current status of my life and think of ways to improve it. And this is the same when it comes to relationship. I am constantly feeling like I don’t put myself out there enough. I’ve always felt compelled to shed my security blanket and dive head in.
So far, I’ve been hitting the bottom of the pool, and every time I come back to rationality harder than ever. Maybe this is one of those posts where I come back to rationality. Maybe I’m just tired of games.